its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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