I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
