1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
