I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
