he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
