Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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