as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
