Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
