I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
