i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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