I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
