I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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