why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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