if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
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after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
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No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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