Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.