haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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