I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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