I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
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So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
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I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
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