Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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