I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
