She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
