And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation