A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.