well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
