One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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