Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
