i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
