At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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