I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
