My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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