I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
