I can text with my tongue
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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