There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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