I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
