The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
