Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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