I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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