Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
