Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
