Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
