I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
