If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
