I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How naked do you want me to be?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
