It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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