After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
