Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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