So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
