Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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