hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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