Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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