i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
