We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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