Hey man sorry I got all grabby
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
