see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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