i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
