You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You are a genius and a whore.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
