i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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