I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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