i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
